Sometimes you have to decide what you want to be ; a Villan in your own story or a hero in someone else’s story. Relationships are so delicate and emotions are so interconnected with reality that it is almost impossible to take a practical decision.
Are you the only person living in your life? Hardly. Our life is being shared and lived by so many people around us. There might be one body but there are so many souls attached to it. How then, can you dare to think only about yourself? Specially if it’s contrary to what the others connected to you want? In such a situation, what can you do? Believe that your family will be happy in the long term if they see you happy? Or that sacrificing for them must come to you naturally? After all, they have done the same for you. Can you ever live independently in a society? Why is thinking about yourself so looked down upon?
If I lend my life to you, when will I live it?
If I work hard on your dream, when do I fulfill mine? If I go by your decisions, when do I get to make my own? If you give me something out of love, why are there so many strings attached to it?
So many people try so hard to find a midway. Live some for me, live some for you. What we fail to recognize is that this is not a static situation. The scales are always tilting on one side or the other, the guilt of living too much for yourself or the frustration of living too much for someone else will never leave you.
The social creature in us always pushes us to live a life for others. Whereas the instinctive core quality of selfishness keeps showing itself.
This is life. This struggle to balance, this survival with two extreme natures ( social & primal), this fight to live with the feeling that you are not doing enough for yourself or for your loved ones, this internal turmoil that pushes us to make difficult choices because we have been taught that the easy way is never the best, this is what drives human beings to compromise with their true self, live a superficial existence.
I don’t know how we can make it better. I guess when you teach an essentially primal creature to live in a civilized society, his true nature will always contradict all rules.
But if you live only once, isn’t it better to be selfish about what you want? You can be a contributor to so many lives even when you are living life on your own terms. It’s not easy to do, it takes a solid resolve,a stubborn nature and great discipline to live your life for yourself. There are so many instances that can get you carried away. There will be moments where you just wish you can relinquish control to someone else and let somebody else take the decisions for you. There will be times when you feel that you are the only one happy in your life, that the others connected to you want more. Do them a favour, ask them to look out for themselves. You are living a sad life if you are latching on to someone for happiness. If you depend on somebody else to fulfill your goals, if you expect more from someone else than you do from your own self then you are giving away a big part of yourself to someone who doesn’t know you as well as you know yourself.
When there is a turning point in life, it’s difficult to think clearly, you are looking at life with blurred glasses. There are so many options that seem like the right ones, give or take a few compromises.
I believe that knowing yourself, studying your own personality sometimes solves many internal conflicts. I know that I am free spirited to an extent where I feel I don’t need too many ‘permanent’ people in my life. I have a nomadic heart, I am fiercely loyal yet annoyingly aloof at times. I am lazy but steadfast, I am moved easily yet I find myself to be painstakingly practical in my decisions.
Come to think of it, it helps us a lot to rely on the moments in our life where our true strengths have come through, the moments where we’ve held on to something we believed in. You can be your own hero. Most of us want to be saved, rescued from our own doings. Seldom do we find the courage to bear the consequences. Our intrinsic nature is to save ourself from the line of fire. It’s easier to make decisions than to follow them through. Coming to a conclusion is often a beginning. It might turn out to be a mistake, but when you see something through it’s course, it leads to great experience, maturity and growth that will eventually lead to open new doors of hope & opportunity.
If you can close your eyes and see your whole world in front of you, what will you see? Moments that have become memories, lessons and experiences
because you have opened yourself to feel, to be touched , to learn and explore. If you just give yourself a chance, you’d be surprised by you.