Life 2.0

65.jpgIs this what it is to be a mother? The constant tug at your heart, that invisible wrench you feel each time you think about your child? That worry that you carry almost every second of the day; about nothing in particular but everything at the same time? Is she breathing? Has she fed well? Is she growing well? How will life be with her? How will life be without her? How can I protect her from everything that can go wrong ?

It’s almost too overwhelming to handle. Maybe because I am new to it or maybe because I didn’t realize I could love someone so much, I feel this constant, palpable tug at my chest since the day my daughter was born. It’s just too hard – not the actual, real, physicality of being a mother but this emotional whirlwind that I am going through and need to get used to.

On the one hand, I have this nagging voice telling me that life will never be the same again. That my freedom and carefree days are behind me. That I can no longer sleep how long I want, eat what I wish or step out when I feel like it. On the other, each time my daughter smiles, it melts my heart and makes me wonder if I deserve to have this beautiful creation in my life.

I am suddenly more aware of life and death and the reality of both. This love is different. It hurts. It stings each time you feel it. I didn’t think I would ever love someone so much that it’d hurt.

Born of love, this tiny little thing becomes the center of your universe. You fight all of life’s battles for her, to make sure she has a beautiful upbringing.  This little thing becomes your life’s biggest lesson.

Being a parent can give you a sense of immense power. You have, for all practical reasons, the power to make or break this little baby’s life. She will thrive or perish because of you. She will put you on a pedestal and actually listen when you talk. Her life will revolve around you and she will look to you for everything : from her most primal needs to her need for emotional and intellectual stimulation. Until you realize that despite this ability, you are quite powerless around her.

I watch her each day and realize that with every passing day, she is becoming more of her own person than merely a part of me. With each new thing she learns, she is enabling herself to survive in this world on her own, without our help. As I observe, I see an incredible resilience and resolve in this tiny human. I am scared that my ideas and principles will cloud this gorgeous soul- and this makes me want to be a better person. I brace myself to dust off the accumulated dirt from my mind and I promise myself to be a bit more curious, all for her. For the first time ever, I look up with joined hands and a tear in the corner of my eye. Life, will truly never be the same again.

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