Most Audaciously Funny Myths I Have Heard About Babies

Its been almost ten months that I was catapulted into the most demanding role of my life. I’ve had a flurry of new feelings and emotions visit me- from inexplicable tears to the feeling of being nothing but a cow, these past few months have been like a vengeance for my past laziness. M has grown from a hard-to-please newborn to a hard-to-sit prankster who seems to be on a perpetual treasure hunt around the house. From a baby who refused to latch to a baby who claps in encouragement after every endless feeding session, M has really shown me the way through all of this.

Sometimes when I sit and think back about those difficult first days,(you’d know if you read Hilarious Revelations of a First Time Mother) I can’t help but laugh at all the well-meaning but hilariously misplaced advice that I got from near and dear ones. I am no expert at saying whether these ideas are really true, but to my rational mind they really make no sense.

These are the funniest myths about babies that I have come across-

  1. Babies who are born feet first  (is that even possible?) can relieve pains just by gliding their feet on your joints! (Are you trying to tell me that all massage therapists are born feet first?)
  2. There is a specifically appointed goddess just to make your baby laugh and cry in her sleep! (And how does she pass time when my baby is awake?!)
  3. Babies poop green if they see too much greenery around them. (I can’t even…)
  4. That your baby will catch a cold if you wash your hair (Will the baby feel better if I have some hot green tea after?)
  5. Babies must not see their own reflection in the mirror. (because they will become too vain? WTF!?)
  6. Babies who learn to talk late must be given a piece of the guava that is previously eaten by a parrot (Because parrots can talk as fast as Shankar Mahadevan?!!!)
  7. Mothers who boil drinking water with silver and gold coins have smarter babies. (Can we please give genetics a chance?)
  8. Babies need to be massaged like a wrestler in an akhada and wrapped as tight as a mummy for them to sleep well. (Because they came with an instruction manual that said so?)
  9. A dog’s lick after a meal saves your baby from illnesses (I laughed so hard that I cried a little)
  10. Holding a naked baby over the smoke from burning herbs and spices will make sure she never catches cold. (And turns into a pickle!)

Between fighting the guilt of not doing enough (remember how lost I was when I wrote Life 2.0?) to the tireless days and nights that never seem to end, I sometimes forget to enjoy the few light moments that motherhood brings with it. Like when we confused iced tea powder to be nachni and kept boiling it to make it thicken or the expression on the baby’s face when she first had something sour, you find laughs in the most unexpected places. So this is my attempt at finding that elusive smile of mine..Anyone have any more that can make me crack up?

 

 

(If you loved laughing at my misery, also read this)

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