A Match Maid in Hell : My Tryst With Finding The Perfect Bai

I might sound like a bit of a brag but I have become somewhat of an expert on household maids. In the twelve odd months since the baby was born, I have changed close to ten maids. And despite what the husband may feel, I do not torture or abuse them or make them work like a mining slave ; they just don’t want to stay in the job. And although I will never know the reason of my bad luck with them, I have inferred that they fall in some very peculiar categories.

These are the ones that have crossed my path –

  1. The ‘I feel you’ maid. Forever remorseful and sympathetic about something that is happening in your world. ‘Aaj meri saas ki saheli ki chachi ki kuttiya chal basi’ ‘Tch, Tch, bechari! Kitne bacche the usko?’
  2. The ‘blank stare for everything’ maid. Has one expression for every request – part faraway wonderment , part absolute cluelessness.
  3. The ‘I have an appetite of a wrestler’ maid. Will.Eat.Anything.
  4. The ‘Still Living in Stone Age’ Maid. ‘Madam, abhi toh niche the, hum itni jaldi upar kaise aa gaye?’ Umm, its called a lift? ‘Didi, yeh TV mein jo hota hain woh reality mein bhi hota hain kya?’ *Pulls own hair and shouts in pillow*
  5. The ‘Quietly Creepy’ type. Won’t say much but will be seen talking to herself or randomly smiling or staring at something relentlessly from the corner of her eye.
  6. The ‘I know too much for my own good’ Maid. ‘Baby’s teething’. ‘Don’t look at her teeth directly, it will hurt her even more’ . ‘my head aches’ ‘take two rounds around a neem tree , you will feel better instantly’
  7. The Magician’. She will be perfection personified but one fine day ‘poof!’ She will be gone and the love affair will come to an abrupt end.
  8. The have-mouth, will-fight’ maid. She will have a counter argument for a simple request too. Defensive to the point of annoyance!
  9. The ‘Whats yours is mine’ maid. Gives herself the explicit permission to use all your beauty products, snacks and clothes.
  10. The ‘absentee‘ maid. It’ll feel like you’re working for her because you will end up doing most of her chores whether she shows up or not.
  11. The ‘Judgemental like a Mother in Law’ Maid. From your choice of pyjamas to how you cut your onions, she will never be happy with your lifestyle. And will be surprisingly successful at making you feel guilty.

Although I have now learnt to make do without consistent help, there have been times when I have been absolutely desperate and gone to questionable lengths to get a good nanny. From frantic phone calls to mom accusing her of not looking hard enough to nagging calls to close friends to stalking bais that I meet in the elevator, I have acted like a crack addict trying to score for the longest time. I am now in a phase I call ‘zen’. It’s basically coming to terms with the fact that God is playing a nasty joke on you and there is nothing you can do about it. So, here I am, in my ultimate resolve to let love find me instead of looking for it all over.

Are we ‘maid for each other?’. I guess I will never find out.

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